To defeat yourself
by Black Kiba
Summary: Sagara Sousuke knew nothing of the things such as dates, loveydovey moods… and of course sex. Will he ever learn it?
1. Chapter 1

**To defeat yourself**

Author Black Kiba

Summary: Sagara Sousuke knew nothing of the things such as dates, lovey-dovey moods┘ and of course sex. Will he ever learn it?

Rating: M

Pairings: Sousuke/OC

Warning: Chidori's OOCness, some high-rated scenes

Author's notes: Well, I guess I couldn't help writing something of this sort, I just hope you woudn't throw at me raw eggs or worse LOL. I should tell you one thing -I hate Chidori, I made her quite a bitch here (as if she isn't in real), so unless you agree with it, DON'T read this. You'd be scandalized.

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, except OC

Chapter 1

Sagara Sousuke was a man of war, always was and always will. Everything he did in his life was somehow related to warfare, security, defense, strategy and endless bloodshed. He knew how to defend himself and his friends, how to assault the enemy in a way which brought to their utter defeat. He perfectly well could set the traps, lure the enemy or whatever to his awaiting comrades, he was familiar with all kinds of weaponry, ACs, WMD, delivery systems, anti-missile stuff, submarines, all other machinery and so on. Shortly, Sagara was perfect soldier. As much as he accomplished ALL his missions without fail. As far as he kept on pretending that nothing else was worth his attention. Wait a moment! Pretending?

Yes, there were some things which Sousuke considered interesting, but they had nothing to do with military stuff. In fact, they had more to do with fluffy civilians, pink flowers, blue-haired girls and ice-cream under moonlight... well it's just my silly imagination.  
Anyway, no one noticed how time flew by in an instant and now all of them were already 20. They said good farewell to their past teens and moved on.

Chidori Kaname grew to be as beautiful as she always was. Due to her personal (or maybe not so personal) abilities she was admitted into one of the most elite universities in Japan. She became rather mature and composed. Instead of spending her time with friends and hanging around Sousuke, beating him down for each mistake, she started taking things more seriously. Chidori wanted to achieve something on her own, not because she was "Whispered". She learned to admire Tessa, and was thinking over her incredible stamina and exceptional abilities as submarine captain. Chidori no longer saw her as a rival. Not only because Tessa matured as well, and was thinking of Sagara as of perfect subordinate now, but there was something that kept nagging Chidori's mind about Sousuke - the guy, yet at 20 now, was completely, unimaginable hopeless.

She came to conclusion, that Sousuke hasn't matured at all being the same military fan boy she met several years ago. She didn't need him anymore, if only as a friend. Gradually she left far behind her teenage affections toward him and thought that was just big fun.  
Sousuke always entertained her, made her laugh, spent his leisure time with her. She took it for granted, never really caring of paying him back. True, guarding and taking care of her was one of his partial duties as soldier of Mithril, and she was grateful for that. But too much attention in the end turned her patience into boredom. Besides, the threat to her ⌠whispered side slowly vanished as time passed by. Mithril in the face of Tessa managed to get rid of all potential candidates who might have ever thought of hurting her, to say the least using her supernatural abilities.

Mithril now, has become one of the most powerful shadow organizations in the world - it covered all conflict areas and war-torn regions. Even United Nations acknowledged its overall activities, and more often required the assistance of perfectly trained soldiers, instead of using their own scattered and poor disciplined international troops. Since the threat over Chidori blurred, Sousuke became more and more engaged into numerous international conflicts. He fought in Alaska, Kolumbia, Timor Leste, Sudan, Spain, Bangladesh. Imagine yourself a handsome young boy, looking as a million other guys of his age, forced to live in camps and made-up tents, never having a time to go to night-club (not that Sousuke wanted to), spend time with friends (if he had any, except close comrades), date with his koibito (though he didn't have one). He was deprived of all pleasures, being constantly sent to different parts of the world, given detailed instructions how to eliminate opponents, never asked as to what he wants for himself.

Sousuke's needs were as simple as sunshine - clear instructions, edible food, good-looking uniform, access to water and some maintenance to his most confident friend Arbalest. Those were basic stuff he cared about. Never having a chance to properly graduate school, he attended alongside Chidori, nor to enter university, Sousuke did somehow care about education matters. He couldn't find any applicable specialty for himself besides waging a war though. So he decided to wait a little unless his future career would pop out in front of him. Something and somehow. Sousuke indeed couldn't care less, he rarely thought over such stuff as future. He lived his day through numerous battles, enough not to think that he might not return from his next mission. His life consisted of fighting, fighting and fighting and more or less taking care of Chidori. He could never figure out his feelings toward her. She was so unpredictable and stormy, out of all living beings he dealt with she was the hardest person to crack. Never bothering to explain her own actions, mood swings, she's been too demanding as to ask where he could have been and why. Lately she's even forbidden him to contact her. Even though they hardly saw each other now. She went to University, as always being appointed as group leader or something, met new friends, started new life and worst of all - she didn't want to bother remembering him. Or to put it bluntly - his presence in her life.

Sousuke didn't know why he still clanged to her. It's not as if he felt something, isn't it? As friend told him (no girlfriend for you, except in Alaska). He took that words seriously wondering what kind of girls can live there, until Chidori explained him the joke. He liked that side of her, helping him to socialize with non-military people, teaching heavy stuff to comprehend as to why he can't kiss girls randomly, or how he should consider to behave himself within school walls. That was sooooo long time ago, and his progress in getting some "ordinary civilian" things failed leaving him in complete frustration.

Then one day it happened. Sousuke came back from Tuatha De Danaan, where he listened three-hour lecture about situation in Taiwan and how Mithril was determined to resolve it, and when released, he and Kurz decided to take a break and visit Chidori. The operation "Rising star" should be started in two weeks period, and Uruz-7 and 6 were given some sort of a holiday as to better adjust themselves in coming weeks. Judging by complexity of the issue, they are to face whole lots of difficulties. On top of all major task is going to be accomplished by two of them. Again.

Tessa felt relieve washing over her when she saw him getting ready to spend some time "on the other side of the moon" as she called it silently. Maybe Sousuke would eventually get through Chidori, and she'd make boy less stiff. Lately Sagara seemed out of himself without noticing it. He was more silent than usual, more obedient (not that he wasn't before, but it felt odd) and deeply lost in thoughts. Whispered wondered what could have triggered such behaviour.

Landing in Tokyo, both of them first of all went to buy some decent clothes (casual clothes), cause all previous ones were in such horrible state it seemed they wore it for ages. Even for militants it was shame. Then they ate some French food, which was rare and rather delicious for them. After that, Kurz said that he has "urgent matters" to attend to and left Sagara alone.

Sousuke stood in the middle of Ginza, without knowing where to head to. He undoubtedly wanted to see Chidori, but at the same time some unknown fear ruled over him. Or was it called uncertainty? He instantly remembered last time they encountered. It was when he officially announced her that Mithril is withdrawing from her protection due to the reason she was no longer threatened. She didn't seem surprised though, just shook her head with long blue bangs.

The thought of loosing Sousuke now for real didn't even occur in her head. Not now. Now she was too preoccupied with ... something else. In fact, she was sick and tired from the whole Mithril, protection, Sousuke and other military stuff somehow related to her. What the fucking hell?! She wanted to live a NORMAL life, that's all. So what if she is Whispered. It didn't make any sense to her. She couldn't possibly earn any money out of this, nor it would help her to find her future husband. Yes, at the age of 20 Chidori has to think about finding a proper mate already. Most of her friends were going out, or even engaged. So should she. After everything she went through, she at least deserved to be left alone. Yes, Sousuke would forever remain among her best friends, but he can't give her what she longed for.

So, how long ago that last time happened? She couldn't tell. She continued with her life as if nothing was wrong, and she really felt that way. Everything seemed normal, until he called.

- Moshi, moshi. Who is it? She answered her phone with cheerful voice.

- Chi..Chi...Chidori, Hi, it's me Sousuke, I was just passing by and thought maybe you are available to meet me and...hn...talk...or...

- Sousuke! Is it really you? Where are you? What you mean you were JUST passing by, don't screw with me, I know you came deliberately, is it urgent? Chidori was chanting non-stop. At first she was happy, but then...

Anou sa, Sousuke you know, I'd like to meet you, haven't seen you in a ... (right!), five months and all. Demo, I actually, sort of busy here, so maybe some other time.

And that had to be right the same time when heavy truck decided to make his way in his direction, which successfully stifled all other sounds.

- What? I can.t hear you Chidori, are you OK? - shouted Sousuke, ignoring the fact that he was standing in the middle of heavily crowded area. His intuition screamed in panic that maybe something did happen to her while he was away, overprotectiveness playing bad joke on him. Strangely enough, he heard only beeping sounds. "That's really really bad" he thought to himself, before rushing to her place. He knew she was there, because he secretly attached a bug to the place she'd never notice, so he could still keep a tabs on her. Needless to say, he either haven't informed Mithril about this fact cause it would have caused a ruckus. He knew too well what the word bureaucracy means.

In a flash of minutes, he was standing beside her door, and instead of bursting right through the door with the risk of breaking it as he always did, he softly knocked. Silence. Then he tried one more time - still nothing. Suddenly, he heard loud moans coming from the insides of apartment. It sounded as if someone was badly injured and needed help. Without giving second thought, Sousuke slammed the locked door and rushed to where the sounds were coming from... which happened to be bedroom. There, on the silky creamy sheets was Chidori, naked as a newborn child, with beautiful long legs wrapped around the waist of some dark guy, who was mercilessly pounding into her. Sousuke just hanged open his mouth and stared at them. It took one more second for Chidori to realize that her privacy had been...crushed and burned. Her dignity's been slowly destroyed under the intense gaze Sagara was giving to them. She hid her face into palms and screamed as loud as thought she would never be capable of. Seems like the other guy just couldn't stop fucking her. He thrusted over and over, not really caring that his girlfriend was practically crying out of shame. This scene of the first real fuck he had ever seen, kept haunting Sousuke for a long time. But now, he just stood there, with his mouth agape, not able to utter a sound as he's been witnessing how Chidori, his gentle, kind, pure and great Chidori was being fucked into bed. What happened after he didn't remember, all his feelings were numb, though his entire chest had been hurting. Oh, Gods, it's been hurting so much he couldn't stand it.

At some point, Chidori looked at him with unreadable expression and started screaming

- Get out! Get the fucking hell out of here! Get out immediately! I'll kill you! Oh how I hate you... you...jerk, bunch of shit, get out!

Sousuke moved automatically, he turned and slowly exited the bedroom. Now heavily panting Chidori, was moaning again, this time out of pleasure she was receiving from long fuck. Oh, how she loved it. When the guy could keep it up as much and as long as she wanted. Another set of deep hard thrusts were enough to make her forget about Sousuke. She threw her head on the pillow and cried out of orgasm.

Sousuke continued walking until he crossed the park and saw a lonely bench standing under big oak tree. The place seemed somehow secluded. Again, automatically, Sousuke sat and just closed his eyes. He couldn't think, couldn't feel, couldn't see, he could nothing. In his mind he was still there watching how Chidori's body rocked back and forth, how she moaned and sobbed, how good she was looking, how she screamed at him, her words still echoing inside. "Jerk, bastard, bunch of shit" he opened his eyes and sighed. Yes, she was right. He was. He made a big mistake for which she would never forgive him. Never. He won't be able to repent this sin during his lifetime. Everything is over.

(Guys, you wont believe, but that was my first ever written NC-17 Get scene in either language)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

Kurz stood under rain, both hands in pockets, head slightly turned upwards, catching wet drops of wild water. All his attention was focused on the boy, who was sitting on the same spot for God knows how long without showing any signs of being alive except ragged breathing.

Kurz was waiting for emergency team to pick them up, he couldn't deal with the man across from him alone. For the first time during their long lasting friendship, he was truly afraid. Afraid of what might had happened to him. He found Sousuke in this dreadful state not so long time ago, alone, completely drenched with rain falling above him, all his bags and weapons gone, gaze staring into emptiness before him, unblinking to the point of real horror, stern face, clenched fists, tight muscles – all this demonstrated that Sousuke was more than alive. He was just wandering in his deep thoughts. But that is at first glance.

Kurz tried to speak – no reaction, started shouting and screaming into his face – no emotions, shook his shoulders wildly – no move, slapped him – no response. Everything seemed useless.

First, Kurz noticed that his comrade wasn't responding to the calls, then it struck him that maybe Sousuke was with Kaname, and shall not disturb them. Two days passed, no trace of Sagara. That was weird, to say the least impossible. Then he went to Chidori, who had enough courtesy to inform him that she haven't seen her ex classmate. In the end Kurz started worrying for real.

Hoping that his transmitter at least working, Kurz caught him sitting in the park. That was when things started.

Emergency team carried Sousuke away as soon as they reached submarine. News about Sousuke's strange state spread around immediately. Mao and Tessa who were spending their vacation on the seaside came on the first notice.

During his "forced transportation" and "forced hospitalization" Sousuke didn't respond or showed any reactions to what was happening to him at all.

Tessa ordered to bring Sousuke to her and locked them in her personal office. Making sure they were completely alone she started.

Sousuke, Sagara Sousuke, can you hear me?

...

Sign.

Sousuke, look, I know you don't want to speak. I know you are very much sick and tired of this damned life and these fucking missions we are making you go through. I...I very much aware that you probably wanna quit or something, but we must make it clear. Tell me what happened. By the look of you something terrible must have happened. Please, don't keep it secret from me, please. Remember, you said that we are friends and you would do anything to help me, don't you dare to forget your own promise. Help me to understand you a little better, I know that probably I'm not good enough to deserve your full confidence, but just a little attempt. Onegai des, Sousuke, watashi ni omae wa totemo taisetsuna hito da kara, omae no kurushimi ga mitomenai...

...

Another deep sign.

Sousuke, what do you want me to do to help it. I can't afford to keep you in this...state. No matter how painful it is, I can imagine only one thing – it's Kaname-san, isn't it? Kurz told me that he visited her, but she denied seeing you that day. I know she lied. You two actually met, didn't you. So, I beg you please, tell me what happened?

Tessa started crying. She couldn't see Sousuke falling apart into unrecoverable pieces in front of her very eyes. Tears flowing freely down her cheeks, she kneeled beside him and looked straight in his eyes. There was still no emotions, just a cold glimpse of something so vague, it was a hard task to identify. She knew something terrible is happening inside Sousuke, and she can't stop it, only observe, how he's falling apart. Suddenly, she felt cold hand sliding down her cheeks, drying shining tears. Soft voice, which she didn't recognise spoke up.

Chidori...she...I can't tell you, Tessa-taichou, I'm sorry. I just need some time, everything is so messed up now. I'll recover and be ready to start missions as soon as possible. It's just a little crack in my system, I guess.

Sousuke signed which was so unusual, Tessa gaped. Then he continued

You don't need to worry, no one doesn't have to worry. I'm very sorry to cause all of you this disgusting troubles. It's fine now.

Telling this, he gently patted Tessa's shoulder and did something he had never done before. He slowly leaned against her, so slowly that she could feel his breathing on her face and with one swift move touched her tears stained cheeks with his lips. That was first time he touched someone with so much feelings burning inside of him, he tried to pour his very soul into that innocent kiss and Tessa was exploding. She felt like flying out of the window right at that moment no matter where, that what surrounded them were deep blue waters of Pacific.


End file.
